The Burning Bush

or why shaving your pussy for the president is silly

The thing is, post-Cold war politics is all about embarassment. Why? Because in a time of relative prosperity where there exists no supreme adversary to draw our fire, getting elected has practically nothing to do with qualifications and everything to do with celebrity.

Arguably there has never been a firm, objective way to judge the qualifications of someone running for President, but this is especially the case now. Our President has to be some kind of a silly clown-angel, always with one wing dipped in blood; don't forget that for the past ten years while Clinton played sax on Arsenio Hall, conducted "listening tours" because he thought "campaign fundraisers" sounds too gauche, and claimed to "feel our pain" while he got blown by someone his daughter's age he was sitting atop a nuclear arsenal capable of killing everyone on this planet. And stewarding ICBM's is only one of his lesser jobs. What qualifies anybody to do that?

Nobody is truly qualified to be President. The only practical qualification is the ability to convince enough people that you won't screw things up beyond repair. Which is exactly where celebrity comes in. Come on! Is Hillary Clinton qualified to be Senator? Maybe. But is that why she got elected? Probably not. What about Jesse Ventura? Or the Bonos. Or Ronald Reagan. For Heaven's sake, we tried to convince Warren Beatty to run for President because we liked his Bulworth movie and we give him props for tagging Madonna.

I'm sorry. I hate to type "tagging" but sometimes it fits. Really the whole thing gets more ridiculous by the day. Let me say briefly that I like George Bush and that I'm relatively glad that he got elected, but I don't kid myself about his qualifications. How did he get elected? Some blame the elderly population of Florida. Others argue "Clinton fatigue." Lately I've come to theorize that his ascension has something to do with the

BARBARA BUSH PUSSY OF POWER.

Really. Anyone who comes into or out of this woman automatically becomes 500,000 times more likely to be elected to high office. Her loins have had two Presidents and a Governor as tenants. What does she always wear? A pearl necklace? Hmmm.... On election night I thought of her while I was in the shower and I was elected county commissioner. Gave up the office though; I didn't feel I deserved it.

Okay, so it's a ghastly joke at the expense of a lovely woman who teaches people to read. But it doesn't change the overall messages of this thing:

1. Comparatively, it's tough for anyone to be a true embarassment in international politics. Those with dissenting opinions should at a minimum consider Boris Yeltsin, the British Parliament and politics in Italy. (I realize that we don't hear much about Italian politics but that's largely because the Italians hog all the laughs for themselves.)

2. In the absence of true crisis, America cares little for leadership and is content to choose between paperweights. Hopefully these guys grow into the job to face the Big Crisis of Their Administration (for Clinton it was getting blown) and I have some faith that Bush will probably manage. Anyone looking forward to choosing a real leader will probably get their chance soon, since we have several unavoidable big problems simmering that will probably bloom into full-blown crises soon. This fits under the old adage: "The tree of decadence must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of innocents." Or something like that.

3. It's tough to chunk hair in general, no matter what part of the body it comes from. But if it makes you feel better, okay, whatever.

by Jeremy Valdez
posted with permission by charlottesometimes